“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
When can I start eating bats again.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.