When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
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3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
There are no pants in heaven.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.