*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor