Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
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Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad