[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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A thread
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
That’s it.I’m out.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.