I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
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Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
#titanic
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
#Caturday
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.