Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
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HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
i can’t wait that long
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.