I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
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They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge