I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
New comic up. “Ransom”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan