Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
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Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it