Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
🙂🐾
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred