[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
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There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.