Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
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You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot