“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
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i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.