You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers