[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
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me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.