*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”