WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out