My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
u spoke cat all this time??????
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.