Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking