ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
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[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had