Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes