Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
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*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
There’s only one good girl here!
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you