the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Just grow your own
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
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4.
5.awesome
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I need this for my side hustle.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.