[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police