Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
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Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
We’ve come full circle
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Muppet Screams
At least try to make it slightly believable
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—