My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
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Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow