Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
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Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before