I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
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My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.