Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
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establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I think they could have phrased this better
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?