[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
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My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
If I ignore life will it go away?
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors