[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Something Saturday.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Cat is stressing him out.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom