Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
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. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Your honor these allegations are
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!