When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Found my door mat
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
never compromise your values
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?