Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
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Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Monica just destroyed the internet
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.