My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
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Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies