8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
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Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I need a headline like this
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil