daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
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20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
That’s it.I’m out.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money