Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board