Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
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My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids