I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
You Might Also Like
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.