I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
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My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT