I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
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Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Someone just threatened to call me later
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.