[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!