I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.