My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
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Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong