It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
And then there were 4
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.