Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Happens to everyone.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Somebody call the cops.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you