You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
You Might Also Like
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.