if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
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Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Me at 17: I鈥檝e had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I鈥檓 just getting started! Can鈥檛 wait until I鈥檓 over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it鈥檚 7pm and I only just got here but I鈥檝e already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it鈥檚 pretty expensive
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Succinctly put.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Every BBC series about the universe.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 馃槙
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 馃檪
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…